When I think about past versions of myself I think of controlling the chaos. When I used to land in a new city and look out of the plane window, at all of the lights, a well of anxiety would bubble up in my chest. I would think of all the places, and sounds, and smells, and individual people living their own lives and get overwhelmed. I remember my first year of college the bike down Main Street used to fill me with dread. What if I ran into a pothole and lost control or what if a car doesn’t see me or what if I go too fast and go off the front of the handle bars. For the younger version of myself cold water was also a sensory overload. I used to be envious of people who could dive into cold water with little effort. Envious but in awe. I would dip my toes in and feel the water gripping my chest preventing my body from continuing forward. This younger version of myself wouldn’t let herself enjoy life fully— amidst the chaos of it all— so she would control it.
I always wanted to feel in control within the chaos of life, so I as I got older I started to do all of the things that scared me. With traveling it started in early high school with small solo trips into the burrows of DC. I would take the metro, lean my head on the glass of the window, and watch the train rumble over the tracks. When I was a sophomore in college—against the well intentioned wishes of my parents— I bought a ticket to Peru and traveled the country solo for a month. With biking the process was a slow one, filled with many long rides through the rolling hills of Vermont. After a couple of instances where I was forced to take a gravel road— a common occurrence in the country— with my road bike, I begrudgingly chose to be comfortable within feeling uncomfortable. I think it’s the first choice you make in surrendering to the chaos. I used to sit in cold water and feel cramped and uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with the coldness, uncomfortable with the feeling of sitting on the rocks, and uncomfortable with the water rushing around me. This summer I learned to enjoy the experience through pure repetition. I still have some shock when I get into the water, but I can appreciate the beauty of the different rock formations, and the fish nibbling at my toes. My favorite part about going so often is seeing the moss change on the rocks across the river from week to week. Not too long ago while I was sitting in the stream I made eye contact with a heron.
Sitting in that same cold Vermont creek recently (September 12th, 2021 to be exact) I thought about how now, instead of trying to control my environment, I am practicing feeling control within the chaos of life. When I was in Greece this past August I had that initial culture shock, but I let it pass. I was then able to enjoy the boats at the dock outside of the apartment, the smell of the salty sea, the crystal clarity of the water, the smiling people dancing on the side of the road, the sweet burning sensation of the Honey Raki in my back of my throat, and the cold foam on top of the Freddo Cappucinos. Now when I’m biking down a steep hill I can feel the light breeze in my hair. The exhilaration of it all. When I jump into a chilly stream it is now refreshing. I can feel it in my legs and in my toes. I am rejuvenated when I leave.
My favorite instagram influencer this past week had a very relevant post about this exact matter. It was a funny story actually. I had just gotten out of my favorite stream, and I was freezing, sitting in my car, blasting the heat, looking at my instagram. The influencer, @sighswoon, posted about her experience swimming in cold water. She finished her post with this idea: “The mind can know something that the body doesn’t yet agree with. Theory is the mind moving forward, and practice is the body moving forward. Only together can change occur. This goes for breaking habits, accomplishing your goals, living your dreams… The lightness of your minds eye creates the whole obvious picture, but what is obvious to the mind is a battle for the body. The body trails behind asking for guidance through sensation. Step by step. But it’s all possible.”
I read it a couple of days ago, and that quote stuck with me. It’s funny how it took pushing myself within travel, within biking, and within cold water, all to get my mind and body connected. Looking back on these experiences, isn’t that the point of life? To find what makes us feel control within the chaos, to find what makes us feel connected to our bodies and by extension to others. For me, I learned the practice of feeling control within the chaos of life through traveling, biking, and cold streams; and so I guess that’s what those 3 things have in common. Let me tell you, maaaaaaan am I grateful for those things.
Written September 15th 2021.
Just one girl and her experiences 